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stargate, DanielJackson

Challenge #31: Campfire tales

Posted on 2014.05.10 at 19:36
Tags: ,
Title: Other
Word Count: 263
Rating: PG-13
Original/Fandom: Original
Pairings (if any): None
Warnings (Non-Con/Dub-Con/etc): Violence
Summary: Around a campfire




The fire crackled, blurring the air as smokes scent lead a pleasant trill through it. The story teller leaned forward, grin deep and voice barely above a whisper, head turning slow and deliberate between the one beside him and the two on the other side.

The two opposite were placid. Winds chill lapped at their faces as their bodies sat warmly snug within thick layers. A smaller body curled under the crook of the other’s arm, still tiny enough to fit but filling the space far more. Little brother seemed impossibly small and impossibly big at the same time. An eyebrow was arched by the young one; the tale had been softened, possibly for his benefit. Even though there was no need at all. After all they were hardly typical children:

They were other, they were simply more, they were beyond the humans, and such fragile life couldn’t touch them. So they sat quiet, listening with amusement at these old classics, knowing they were the monsters of which the tales spoke. This was their hubris.

They heard the rustling of branches, of stealthy footsteps, of muted whispers, but simply did not fear.

Metal came fast and sharp out of the dark and skewered them through.

A last thought floated; it’s of the one of his flesh: his still too small brother would now remain that way forever.

They were neither of them human. And yet were taken down by a human with a human sword.

This was their hubris. Everyone knows monsters sitting around a camp fire should tell tales of monster hunters.


Comments:


Meep
meepalicious at 2014-05-11 00:11 (UTC) (Link)
I liked the twist in this! It was really nifty and unexpected. I wonder what they were? I'm guessing some kind of Good Neighbors.

Some of your sentences were exquisite - "Little brother seemed impossibly small and impossibly big at the same time." - but others felt forced and awkward, particularly "smokes scent lead a pleasant trill through it." I like the bit about the fire blurring the air, but that part just read very awkwardly to me and took away from my enjoyment of the scene.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2014-05-11 06:04 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so glad you liked it :)

And thanks for the concrit, I really appreciate it :).
basric
basric at 2014-05-11 03:47 (UTC) (Link)
I love your twisted version of the horror campfire tale. You did an excellent job of building suspense and having that shock moment. Your last sentence said it all,"Everyone knows monsters sitting around a camp fire should tell tales of monster hunters."

BRAVO!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2014-05-11 06:04 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked it :)
bleodswean
bleodswean at 2014-05-11 14:40 (UTC) (Link)
Oh, wow! I really enjoyed this, J. The twist at the end was well done and fits with the economical tone of the piece. It takes a bit of work as the reader but proves worthwhile and that counts for a lot! Nice!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2014-05-11 14:44 (UTC) (Link)
Such lovely compliments, Thank you, so glad you liked it :).

Awesomely creepy
agirlnamedluna at 2014-05-18 01:57 (UTC) (Link)
Well, arrogance always comes to fall, doesn't it! I liked the juxtaposition between the calm certitude of safety and the quick and unexpected death - I liked the double layer of a campfire tale about a campfire tale going awfully wrong too! Your sentences feel a little forced though as if you tried to load them with either too much description or too much lyrical description.

Edited at 2014-05-18 01:59 am (UTC)
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2014-05-19 14:12 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked it :)

lacygrey
lacygrey at 2014-06-14 13:57 (UTC) (Link)
This just has so much crammed into a tiny word count: not just one twist but two. I think you could build it into a bigger short story just on the ideas contained here.

I particularly like that you lead the reader to like and perhaps sympathize with these creatures, even though we don't know much about them. It means that the end comes as a blow, but makes it all the more effective
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2014-06-14 14:11 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked it :)

Yeah, I can definitely picture expanding it into a bigger piece. My pieces for writerverse are a bit short at the moment, they probably will be while I'm in LJ Idol and that's taking up all my writing time, but after I'll have more time for writerverse pieces.
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