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stargate, DanielJackson

Week 9, Title: Redacted

Posted on 2016.02.12 at 21:26
Tags: ,
Excerpt of the court hearing transcript for Segmentation Allocation case #8691349C:

Certain portions of this transcript have been redacted for the purpose of national security. Only persons with a security clearance of level seven or higher may read this transcript. Any person without the correct clearances viewing this document may be subject to Segmentation Relocation.

1     Andrew Tanners argues as a representative of The Segmentation Governing Body.

2     Stuart Bolson argues on his own behalf against Segmentation Relocation.

3     Andrew Tanners: This is not a typical argument against an allocation. It’s not just a smart kid finding out they’re merely ordinary or a weird kid finding out they are the same deviation from the norm as most. Here we have a man so unhinged, he’s not just arguing against his new Segmentation Allocation. He’s arguing against Segmentation Allocation itself. Listen well to his crazy ramblings and then allow us to allocate him to a segment where he can be helped to get better and thrive, where he cannot be harmful to himself or others.

4     Stuart Bolson: The Segmentation Governing Body and their rhetoric are constant. It’s going to be easy to think I’m crazy. But take a moment to think. They pull apart families. They pull apart friends. They pull apart lives. All in the name of bunching us together like cattle with like-minded people to ourselves, claiming this is so we can have productive, peaceful lives where we reach our full potential. As if these things were non-existent before segmentation. But truly, these divisions are to separate us, from our loved ones, from our support systems, as a means of population control and brainwashing. Put a man in a segment on his own and you convince him there’s no one else holding his crazy ideas.

5     Andrew Tanners: Let’s not allow this sick man to turn this into a platform for his zealot spiel. This has little to do with his own Allocation other than making it obvious that our decision should be upheld. Mr Bolson is so determined to live in a world pre-segmentation but in such a world he would be in prison for murder.


6     Stuart Bolson: It was self-defence. Your people tried to kill me. [             -section redacted-           ]

7     Presiding Official: The subject having killed people is irrelevant to these proceedings.

8     Andrew Tanners: We have found the perfect segment for Mr Bolson, with people who share his ideology.

9     Stuart Bolson: They want me out of the way, in an inhospitable wilderness where I can’t tell anyone what I know, because I know too much. They claim a mix of variables go into determining Segmentation Allocation but in my job I held the position of [                                   -section redacted-                                                ] segments mainly divided according to intelligence. The data I have shows  [

                      
                             -section redacted-


                                                                                                                 ]
10    Andrew Tanners: See this. This is why he’s dangerous. The world was a mess before. We have made it better. We all know this. We cannot let this man and his skewed statistics sow seeds of doubt into our young. He’s right. We are afraid; afraid of the dark world that is to come if he isn’t moved to an appropriate segment.

11    Stuart Bolson: [                                                  -section redacted-                                                                     ]

12    Andrew Tanners: [                                                                         -section redacted-                                          ]

[
                             -section redacted-
                                                                       ]
20    Stuart Bolson: No, no, you can’t do this. They’ll kill me. They’ll kill me!

Comments:


lriG rorriM
lrig_rorrim at 2016-02-13 05:29 (UTC) (Link)
Fabulous way to tell the story in the blank and silent spaces. I really enjoyed this!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-13 09:48 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you enjoyed :).
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors
halfshellvenus at 2016-02-13 07:12 (UTC) (Link)
I liked that the Segmentation Allocation was a partitioning off of people from others they might "harm" (here, perhaps influence). The isolation touted as a safety measure will surely help the subject go crazy or otherwise self-destruct, and isn't that the real goal at hand?
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-13 09:49 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked :).

Yep, exactly.
rayaso
rayaso at 2016-02-13 15:23 (UTC) (Link)
Great! This reads like the worst of 1984's social controls with a combination of psychological, social justification. I enjoyed the way you presented this, as a partial transcript of a hearing.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-13 16:29 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you enjoyed :).
bleodswean
bleodswean at 2016-02-13 16:16 (UTC) (Link)
Masterful, J! You nailed this approach and make the style work for you as part of the entirety! Nice!!! Redacted is such a cool word and idea - it's full of potential in what is removed!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-13 16:30 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you so much, glad my approach worked well for you :).
Raised by Wolves
sinnamongirl at 2016-02-14 21:55 (UTC) (Link)
Excellent use of the blank spaces, and very intriguing story all around. Good job!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-15 17:16 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked the use of the blank spaces :).
Murielle
murielle at 2016-02-15 17:26 (UTC) (Link)
So seriously, one of the scariest stories ever because: This happens! Not here, not yet...well...maybe...not quite like this...exactly...yet....

Very well told! Excellent work!

Edited at 2016-02-15 05:27 pm (UTC)
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-15 17:53 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you so much :).
dee_aar2
dee_aar2 at 2016-02-15 19:18 (UTC) (Link)
This is quite a unique take. I was so lost on 404 and this is actually well woven.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-15 19:59 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you found it unique :).
dmousey
dmousey at 2016-02-15 19:46 (UTC) (Link)
Can't have any threats to that herd mentality ya' know! They'd lose control over them and it would be revolt, I tell ya'! Revolt! Haha... I enjoyed this muchly! Thanks for inking! Peace~~~D

Edited at 2016-02-15 07:46 pm (UTC)
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-15 20:00 (UTC) (Link)
Yep ;).

Thank you :)
inteus_mika
inteus_mika at 2016-02-16 00:17 (UTC) (Link)
*sigh* Man is never as smart as he thinks about these sorts of things.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-16 17:46 (UTC) (Link)
True.

Thank you :)
prog_schlock
prog_schlock at 2016-02-16 01:13 (UTC) (Link)
Fascinating approach here. Just enough information to figure out the basic story but also a whole lot of blank space for us to use mentally in any way we want. This is a very challenging way to write - congratulations on making it work. I feel awful for Bolson, though.

The other thing this format does is that it creates a kind of bureaucratic nightmare world. Everything has a form, even if that form is redacted. Sort of like in the movie Brazil

This kind of cold, bureaucratic world always makes me think of Radiohead's Kid A album. This song especially:

swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-02-16 17:47 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so glad you liked my approach :).
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