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stargate, DanielJackson

Week 13, Title: Unlit

Posted on 2016.03.11 at 21:01
Tags: , ,
One step outside and the world will burn,
A lesson none should have to learn,
So she sits in this tower,
Eschewing this power,
Lets them call her strumpet, vain, irrelevant.

The fog is white- her time is figures in the distance,
Four walls and a singular tumbler of red wine,
The world pulls away at her touch,
This lead-plated gold of her self,
She is a footnote.

She holds up this stony imperfection to the light,
They never saw her courage not to fight,
Patience waits for no one,
So tried and tired, she is undone,
Capillaries shine, a tree in her eye.

The fire is orange- her dreams are balloon tethers,
One window and a crimson stained wrist,
She wants to be outside of her being,
This lining paints itself dark, rooting,
She is forgotten.

She whispers at voices in her head,
Better than having others instead,
She chips away,
Flakes of grey,
Seeking  herself.

Comments:


tonithegreat
tonithegreat at 2016-03-12 04:48 (UTC) (Link)
The last stanza of this is particularly powerful. This seems to be a great week for poetry so far.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-12 07:48 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so glad you found the last stanza powerful :)
uselesstinrelic
uselesstinrelic at 2016-03-14 22:40 (UTC) (Link)
I agree. That was my favorite part!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-15 06:49 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked it :).
Raised by Wolves
sinnamongirl at 2016-03-12 06:29 (UTC) (Link)
I love the imagery in this, and the flow of the poem altogether. Good work :)
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-12 07:48 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so happy you liked the imagery and flow :).
rayaso
rayaso at 2016-03-12 15:54 (UTC) (Link)
I enjoyed this very much, with its imagery and I especially liked the phrase "her dreams are balloon tethers". Well done!
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-12 16:53 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so glad you enjoyed it's imagery :).
Murielle
murielle at 2016-03-12 18:19 (UTC) (Link)
There is such loneliness and sadness here, and yet it is so beautifully told, so exquisitely woven.

A beautiful poem.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-12 19:03 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so glad you found it beautiful :).
whipchick
whipchick at 2016-03-13 21:18 (UTC) (Link)
Really neat how you flow from image to image, and so cool that so many of the images are elements and metals.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-14 17:42 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked the images of elements and metals :).
adoptedwriter
adoptedwriter at 2016-03-14 13:55 (UTC) (Link)
Vivid and captivating. AW
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-14 17:43 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so happy you found it captivating :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors
halfshellvenus at 2016-03-14 17:21 (UTC) (Link)
When you mentioned this idea, I didn't expect it to come as a poem!

The fog is white- her time is figures in the distance,
Four walls and a singular tumbler of red wine,

I really liked this description. In that lonely prison, time is measured by change-- lives being led by others, but never you. :(
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-14 17:46 (UTC) (Link)
When I mentioned this idea, I didn't expect it to be a poem either! Lol, the muse is odd. I had this whole detailed idea of scenes and then it randomly decided it was going to be a poem :).

So glad you liked that bit of description, I think that's my favourite part too! Yeah, that was exactly what I was going for, glad it came across :).
aresrising05
aresrising05 at 2016-03-14 19:43 (UTC) (Link)
People often don't recognise the courage not to fight.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-14 19:49 (UTC) (Link)
Too true :).
prog_schlock
prog_schlock at 2016-03-14 22:32 (UTC) (Link)
I like how you play with rhyme, especially in the odd numbered stanza. It looks like your working towards a limerick rhyme scheme, but by breaking the pattern on the fifth line, you draw extra attention to that line - like it forces our brains to snap out of what we're expecting and focus on what you're saying. That's a great technical choice and one that allows us to both enjoy the flow of the words and the intended meaning.

As is often the case, I can't quite explain why I thought of this song while reading your piece, but I did:



Its not the cocaine images - its something about how Stevie is singing in the third person, but she's really examining herself.

Edited at 2016-03-14 10:33 pm (UTC)
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-15 06:52 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, glad you liked the way I structured it, I was hoping it would have that effect :).
kick_galvanic, zagzagael, skull_theatre
bleodswean at 2016-03-14 23:21 (UTC) (Link)
Nice rhythm to this, J! I think this works wonderfully! (I say I think only because I already knew...the lines within which the poem was written.)

The second to last stanza is wickedly strong.
swirlsofblue
swirlsofblue at 2016-03-15 06:53 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, so happy you liked it, and that last stanza- I was hoping it would be effective :).
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